Ifs, Ums, and Maybes

I’ve been fretting about this for the past week: How much of me do I give away in my blog? Is it open access to my mind—to my insecurities, secret hopes, and fears? I feel like that would make a better story. Like, if I were a character in a book, as a reader I’d want to see the raw truth of this character before she embarked into a strange new world; how else would you be able to fully appreciate the contrast between situations, and understand why she acts the way she does? Still, actually doing that is going to take guts. And how important is it, really, to tell you how I epically failed at my first industry-related job? How can I tell you about my semi-crush, when it is very likely he’ll be reading that post? Are these kinds of things even interesting to you, or would you prefer a college bulletin-type report of my travels? No, even if that’s what you said wanted, I don’t think I could be so bland. I’d get bored more quickly than you would.

The purpose of this blog:

• Tell you about my 6 month study exchange to Bath, England
•  Tell you about the 101 mistakes I’ve made, and how I learned from them
• Share any and all writing tips I’ve learnt from years of going to short courses, meeting people, writing, and studying at QUT
• Probably other stuff but I haven’t decided yet

I know what you’re thinking—if I’m sharing my failures, I’m going to have to give a lot of me away. It’s going to happen. I’ll get over the doubts eventually.

Oh, the other thing, do I change people’s names? Obviously I’m not going to tell you the name of someone I express strong feelings for—positive or otherwise—but then, do I change everyone’s name? Maybe I mention someone’s name because there’s nothing incriminating in it. But then later I want to mention something about them and don’t want to identify them. What then?

There’s something else. In my diaries, obviously I’m not fussed about how I sound; I’ll just say the first thing that comes to my head. I don’t care if I sound like a bitch and there are no boundaries as to what I talk about. On this blog, no matter how hard I try to ignore it, there will always be that niggling need tugging at my words—the need to be liked. That need will shape my blog and detract from that rawness I spoke about. I don’t care about making myself look like a fool, seeing as I probably do that daily anyway, but what boundaries will there be? Is there really a need for any?

There are some things I can’t tell you. I’m going to use the immortal words of Stephen King to explain:

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them—words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out.

But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.

                                                                        --p385, The Body, Stephen King

I’ve experienced this before. Something that feels so special to you that you feel the need to tell others, but in telling others, they just look at you strangely or, perhaps worse, don’t particularly acknowledge it at all.

Maybe I’m thinking too much about the audience thing. Maybe I will just write the thing the same as I would in my diary, only with proofreading.

It’s less than a month before I leave for England. I’m kind of scared. I can’t believe I ever thought that Brisbane is boring. Sure, I was itching for adventure when I signed up for the study exchange, but Brissie is sooo beautiful and WARM and lush. I could write for years about this place, and perhaps I will, starting now.

 

Please comment below if you have answers to any of my questions, especially to tell me what you want to get out of this blog.