Spill the peas

This is taking up space in my brain, so I'm going to tell you about it short and quick and then not think about it anymore. For the past few days, all I could think about were frozen peas. No, this wasn't one of my obsessive food cravings, although that would be something I'd do (the most recent craze was peanut butter...man, I could live on that stuff). But this time I was thinking about a particular packet of frozen peas that I'd bought for about two quid in the local supermarket. I'd lost this packet within the kitchen's chocker-block freezer trunk, which could fit about two people inside. In an effort to find it, on the freezer lid I left a faux lost poster, scribbled on a bit of paper for a joke, asking people to help me find my peas. The response of some people in the house was to leave a treasure hunt message on the back of that paper.

My note

Their response

          When I found this late one night, I stood there stunned for about a full minute, my heart beating a little harder than usual. They wouldn't...would they? I'd thought the X on the toilet was a sign that it was clogged again. After a while I went downstairs and I forced myself to open the lid. There was nothing in there, thank god. Later I contemplated that the only reason they wouldn't have actually put it in there is so that the boys wouldn't get offside with the other girls (come on, how could this trick be done by anyone other than a boy?). I could picture them laughing at my note (not in a nice way), and between swigs of beer, devising their plan to mess around with the new girl's stuff.

I've let my mind fret over things plenty of times, and each time it has worked out. I wouldn't let some relatively harmless prank get to me. It could only get to me if I let it, and that would not happen.

I got two hours' sleep after 4am. I never stay up that late. True, I'd been woken by people banging around in the kitchen at about 2am, but that sort of thing hasn't bothered me before. The next day, my plan to be all cheerful and normal to everyone evaporated, and all I could do was be a smaller version of myself--smiling a small smile, and giving a small hello when required. I tried to concentrate on my classes, but thoughts of how they'd turned my light-hearted joke into toilet humour kept creeping into my mind. On the way back from class I passed one of the boys from my dorm and did that awkward Should I look or ignore him? and then I looked at him and he said hi and I said hi back with the tone people use at funerals. I decided to make a detour into the Student Housing office.

It looks so cosy, doesn't it? It was really warm inside. Exactly what I needed after walking through the cold.

At the office, a lady looked up from her computer. 'Yes, can I help you?' she said like someone who was quite busy. There was another lady working off to the side.

'Uh, yeah.' I thought of sitting down but then decided against it. 'I have a...an issue at with my house.'

'You're living on campus?'

'Yes.'

'Here, sit down and we'll talk about it.'

I glanced at the other lady and then sat on the edge of the chair. I looked out the window, suddenly feeling unsure of my voice. 'Uh, if I get emotional, it's because I've only had two hours' sleep.'

            I think they got the hint. 'Why don't you take her into Cheryl's office?' said the lady to the side. I was instantly fond of her.

When the lady left her computer, I followed her into the other room. I sat on the lounge like a good psychiatric patient. It took me a while to get going, but I managed it after looking out the window at the field of sheep, wiping my eyes, and blowing my nose loudly with a tissue I'd found scrunched in my backpack. I began to explain what had happened and how I felt like they'd broken a trust that I'd taken for granted. How I felt like I couldn't trust any of them until I knew who it was, and that they darn well owed me a new packet of peas (in my mind I thought they owed me three for disturbing my night, but that seemed a bit petty in front of this lady).

I still felt clingy and like talking more, but really there was nothing more to discuss and she was giving me very gentle finishing signals like, 'Okay? Do you feel better now?' In truth, I did. She'd explained that this was probably just a little joke and that they probably did this sort of thing all the time. It probably wasn't meant to belittle me--just a joke, crude but not malignant.

I spent the next day rehearsing in my head the friendly but firm talk I'd have with my housemates. 'Hey guys,' I'd say once we were all assembled in the kitchen, possibly with a plate of biscuits going around. 'The other day someone might have put my packet of peas somewhere. I like a good joke as much as the next person, but because it's something I've paid for, I'd really like it back when possible.'

If they said that they'd chucked it out or something, I'd say, 'No worries, just remember to grab me a new packet next time you're down at the shops.'

I had it all sorted, just as long as my voice didn't shake, I'd be fine.

I went up to the kitchen later, and decided to check the freezer, just in case the packet had turned up. It was almost hidden, but there it was, pink clip and all. No apology note, but the packet was there. I wondered if they'd sensed my mood and decided to set things right again. Then I remembered that I hadn't actually checked the freezer that night. The note said that my packet was somewhere else, so why would I? Was it possible that this goddamn packet of flipping stupid cruddy peas was in the freezer all this time? Was this a 'lol psyche, we're just messing with you but we found you're peas, happy eating', type deal? I felt like the biggest idiot.

I couldn't help wishing, not for the first time, that I had a brother. Some goofy boy who messes around and tells you that you stink even though you've just had a shower. I'd be so used to pranks and jibes that I would have simply rolled my eyes at the boys' note on the freezer, then waited for the packet of peas to turn up, and if it didn't I would've lightly smacked the boys on the back of the head and told them to cough up some coins to repay me.

I've grown up in a very female-dominated environment. Sure, there were the sons of Mum's friends who'd sometimes come over to play, but throughout school, I'd only ever really hung out with girls (see Making Friends with Boys for more on this). I knew know as much about the male psyche as I do about different models of cars.
If I'd known these boys' intentions behind their prank then it would have been easier. If they'd have lightly punched me in the arm and said, 'So, been on a treasure hunt lately?' then maybe we could have all laughed about it. But now whenever I go into the kitchen or bump into one of the guys, I can tell that they know that I know it was them (confused?) and that adds a layer of secrecy that wasn't there before, and I can't stand awkwardness. They'll hardly talk to me because (I think) they are afraid I'll lecture them or something. Even some of the girls have been a bit stand-offish (but then, some of them were like that before, so I don't know). I just hope we can pass the awkward stage soon.

It still astonishes me that I can feel insecure about if I reacted the right way when I spent a full 24 hours hating how much their stupid prank had messed me up. But then, whose fault is that? They didn't ask me to wallow over it for so long. If I'd have been a bit better at this then I would have not accepted their note and gone on with my daily activities.

Even though I've been through this learning curve before, it took this extra time to remind me that with a few days' perspective, things aren't as bad as they seem. In The Happiness Trap, I've read that you are separate from your thoughts and don't have to emotionally attach to them if you don't want to. It's great in theory but it'll take practice to learn how to do that.

Maybe I'm not meant to be best pals with my roommates. We can still be pleasant and friendly towards each other, but maybe I'll find friends who are better suited to my sense of humour and interests.

 

In about five minutes, I'm heading into Bristol to go to the markets that they run once a month. I will be meeting a group of people who I met online at Meetup, which is a social media site where people can set up interest groups. This one's called Young and Restless, and they organise fun events with people who are interested in meeting other positive people in the area. As long as I can find the meeting place, it should be a good time.